|"THE WAY WE WORD"|
|The Way We Word By Richard Lederer - Remembering the
long-lost, super-swell, peachy-keen lingo of our neat and nifty youth.
|"IT ALL MAKES SENSE"|
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.
|"YOU CAN READ IT"|
Believe it or not you can read it
- Read it quickly and see for yourself!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thuohgt spleling was ipmorantt.
|"TOUR OF HEAVEN"|
(This makes you think!!)
A newly arrived soul in Heaven and was met by St. Peter. St. Peter and the soul took the A-tour around Heaven. They walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.
St. Peter stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received."
The soul looked at the section, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.
They continued on until they reached the second section. St. Peter told the soul, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them."
The soul noted again how busy it was. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.
Finally at the farthest corner of the room, the soul stopped at a very small station. To the surprise of the soul, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing.
"This is the Acknowledgment Section," St. Peter told the soul.
"How is it that? There's no work here?"
"So sad," St. Peter sighed. "After people receive the blessings they asked for, very few send acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?"
"Simple," St. Peter answered. "Just say, 'Thank you, Lord'."
What blessings should they acknowledge?
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep ... you are richer than 75% of this world."
"If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy."
"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."
"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness ... you are more blessed than the millions who will not even survive this week."
"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ... you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."
"If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare. If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you are unique to all those in doubt and despair."
"OK, what now? How can I start?"
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special, and, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.
Att: Acknowledge Dept.: Thank You Lord!
"Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with."
|The next time you hear a politician use the word
"billion" casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
- A billion seconds ago, it was 1959
- A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive
- A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age
- A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it
|We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
these are the rules from the male side...OUR RULES!
Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!...Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both!!! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself!
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We DO that!
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this...and Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
|Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wiouth it bnieg a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
|"AMERICAN JOB SEARCH"|
|Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRILANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he couldn't find a good paying job in...AMERICA.|
|Stroll with me...Close your eyes...and go back...before the
Internet...before bombings, aids, herpes before semiautomatics and crack...before SEGA or
Super Nintendo...way back!
I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on the stoop..about hide-and-go-seek; Simon says and red-light-green-light. Lunch boxes with a thermos...chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch, Butterscotch, skates with keys, jacks and Cracker Jacks, hula hoops and sunflower seeds, wax lips and mustaches, Mary Jane's, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom.
Remember when it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids arrived home from school. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels.
Remember running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran and Ollie, Spin and Marty...Dick Clark's American Bandstand...all in black and white and your Mom made you turn it off when a storm came. When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere.
Climbing trees, making forts, backyard shows, lemonade stands, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds, jumping on the bed, pillow fights, ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theater, running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt...remember that?
Not stepping on a crack or you'd break your mother's back...paper-chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington, the smells of school, of paste and an Evening in Paris. What about the girl who dotted her i's with hearts? (that was before that stupid smiley face)! The Stroll, popcorn balls and sock hops? Remember when there were just two types of sneakers for girls and boys - Keds and PF Flyers, and the only time you wore them at school was for gym. And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking -- all for free ? every time! And, you didn't pay for air either, and you got trading stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When the worst thing you could do at school was flunk a test or chew gum. And the prom was in the gym or the lunchroom and you danced to a real orchestra. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed - and did! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grand parents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was so much greater than the threat.
Remember when a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car - used to cruise, peel out, lay rubber, scratch off or watch the submarine races? When people went steady; and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped Band-Aids, dental floss, or yarn coated with pastel-frost nail polish so it would fit their finger.
When no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the car and house doors were never locked! Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a..." And playing baseball with no adults needed to enforce the rules of the game.
Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals, because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And, with all our progress, don't you just wish, that just once you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace and share it with the children of today?
So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk...As well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and Summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling, visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar from the palm of your hand.
There, didn't that feel good? Just to lean back and say: "Yeah...I remember......."
|"WEIRD THINGS YOU NEVER WOULD KNOW!!"|
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you? :)
|"YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BOSTON"|
|You know you're from Boston if...|
|When we say...we really mean...|
|How we'll know you weren't bon heah...|
|The North-East-West-South thing...|
|Things not too do...|
|Things you should know....|
|"RULES OF THE ROAD IN MASSACHUSETTS"|
|So you would like to interview me? God asked
If you have the time I said.
God smiled "My time is eternity
questions do you have in mind for me?
God answered...That they get bored with childhood.
Gods hand took mine and we were silent for awhile
God replied with a smile
To learn they cannot make
anyone love them.
|A little boy wanted $100 so badly, that he prayed
for two weeks but nothing happened. He then decided to write God a letter requesting the
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
|1. Name the Beatles: __________, __________, __________,
2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ______ _____!"
3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ ______ _____ _____.
4. What do M & M's do? ___ ___ ___ ___ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____.
5. What helps build strong bodies twelve ways? _____ ______.
6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _______ ______.
7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ _____ _____ _____.
8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, ______ G. _______.
9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!
10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ _____ _____ _____."
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.
12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?"
13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? , _________ __________."
14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ___________ _____.
15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ _________.
16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ ___ ____ ___ ___________. I'm Popeye the sailor man,"
17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ _______.
18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson or the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____________."
19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."
20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to, ____ ______ , _____ _____ _____."
21. "I found my thrill, _____ __________ _____."
22. ________ ________ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, __________ _____ _____."
23. "Good night, David." "_____ ______,______."
24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____."
25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today. _______! _____ ______ ______ ______."
26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ___ ____."
CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWERS